"I could use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now..."
I'm currently in class right now, trying to focus and I am...well sorta. I'm listening on and off but I think I'll be okay. It's always hard to focus this early in the morning...I don't know how I would be able to do it next semester if I have the class that's @ 8AM. I think it's a good thing I changed it.
This has been a weird and tiring weekend and the days after...Last night was the first night I've cried in a while. I didn't mean to cry last night but for some reason, it just came out. I sat there thinking about him. How much he means to me, how much he puts up with me, how good he makes me feel, how things just never feel right when he's not around...this long distance relationship really sucks sometimes. I've gotten use to it and I take it as much as I can but there are just some days that are harder than others. And when one of those days come around, it's so hard to deal with.
Anywho, I went back to Merced this past Saturday and boy am I glad I only stayed for one day...that place always brings back the worst of me. This needy, emotional, and lonely girl. The girl that I left behind almost a year ago. Just going back there for a day already made me feel like shit and I honestly don't know if that's ever going to change. I want to go cause I didn't want to leave his side. But I'm thinking next time he decides to visit, maybe it'll be better for me not to go, for his sake and for my sanity. I miss all the people there and I'm glad I got to see a lot of people, it was really nice to see everyone so don't get me wrong. I don't regret going there but it just leaves me with such a horrible feeling, I just don't know what to do.
When days like this occur, I wonder why do I feel like this? I wonder why can't I just be happy with my life? But I am happy with my life, just not on days like this. 95% of the time, I'm happy with him, our situation and everything else but that 5% (which is kind of what I'm going through right now), everything just feels wrong. I feel empty, like something's missing. And I usually know what it is, it's usually him.
Unfortunately, there's nothing we can do about this. I don't know when is going to be the next time I'm gonna be able to see him. I'm just ready for summer to be here already. For school to end and my Asia vacation to be here already. Cause it means 3 and a half weeks with him and my family. WOOHOO!
I'm gonna go back to trying to focus. I hope I'll get over this phase cause it's already tiring me out and I'm tired enough...
- I'm Feelin':cold